He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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