Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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