I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
