is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
