Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
