does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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