Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
