that's an acceptable place to lick
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Randomize
