yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
