I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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