If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize