I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
