All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
