when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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