Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
