so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just high enough for therapy.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
