I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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