omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
