why didn't you poke me back
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Even my vagina gasped.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
