My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
