My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
