Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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