If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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