i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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