How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
