Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
