You just made me feel so damn special
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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