Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
