"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
