I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
