Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
