I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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