Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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