you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
