she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
