then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
