my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
