Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
