Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
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