my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
