Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
