whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
