I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
you made out with another girl for some wings
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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