Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
