I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
