well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
