I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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