Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I need to stop coming to work sober
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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