Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
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