the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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